This is a pictorial log of one of my visits with my mother, who is living with a growing mass in her body which will likely number the days we have left with her.

We are all so touched by her struggles and her determination and with LIFE as she prays everyday to die. I am learning great lessons about LOVE as I watch my "little" brother take care of our mother.

So here I would like to share just a little bit of our days and our routine. Some of the pictures you might say, should have been kept private.. They are not meant to demean our mother, but to show all the care and effort and love that makes up this part of her life....the rich times and the difficult times and the joyful times and the times when mother says: "If I wanted to ASK God to please let me die, what would I say...?"

A trip into town... not that easy getting from one wheelchair into the car and then into another wheelchair with big rubber wheels which we use for outside. The seat in the car is covered with heavy plastic to make moving her onto the seat just a bit easier. Oma sits on the seat, and as we position her feet, we can slide her across the seat.

						Tom is so excited to see his LOVE again
Lunch at the Thai restaurant is a special treat						Evenings are tough and sometimes you can only sit and be there
						Getting a special Foot Reflexology treatment

Oma spent many years of her life giving treatments to other people and teaching how this is done. Now Tom is returning all that love to her by giving Oma treatments.

Time to say good-bye and leave for a few days to catch up on things. Of course Oma wonders how anyone else could take care of her the way Tom does...

	"Wheel me in front of the window so I can get some fresh air..."

And Tom is back! He made sure that he came back ON his birthday so he could spend it with his mother without whom, he says, he would have no birthday......
So this gives us a chance to show Gaby's love and how she did things while Tom was gone. It looks like we have our special dance step down pat. All of this just to maneuver the few steps from the wheelchair to the couch... It's so hard to make those feet do what the brain wants them to. Then the whole body shakes, just from the effort and the concentration...
						Are the bedroom windows open? Are you sure?? (now they are closed and then you can watch me open them)

						Good night, Mütterle.
						OOPS!! One more potty break...
			Public potty breaks are interesting too!
						Is THIS our "last dance" or will she be there still when I return next month?

Good night, Mütterle. Sleep tight... dream something beautiful... say hi to Jesus for me....

Here are some thoughts from Oma's children- espcially Tom, as he walks with Oma on her journey home.....

Thomas:
Sorry I was so negative yesterday when you called me. I was in a space where I was angry and saddened by the pain that humans inflict on themselves and each other. Its just that this whole process did not need to happen. If mother had made healthier lifestyle choices and had reduced her weight she would not have had insulin resistance and type II Diabetes. This would likely have prevented her heart condition and the need for cancer causing statins like Lipitor which I feel certain played a major role in bringing the cancer back. It is so hard to see mother seek things like french-fries and bearclaws, the source of her hardship, as a treat in these last weeks or months of her life. The notion of healing foods and helping the body to do what its intended to do, which was the underlying principle behind her reflexology practice, has seemingly gone out the window. Her extra weight not only was the main cause of her current situation but also makes her life much harder now that her muscles are rapidly atrephying. Getting up off a chair and even just standing has just about become impossible for her to do unasisted.

Last night I had a good cry and found more strength in my soul to accept the situation as it is. My opportunity is to manifest my love in her world through action. Love is a Verb after all. From sweeping the floors to wiping her bottom, each moment brings an opportunity to anchor my love in this world. Love is what we came for. Love is what makes life worth living. Love is what makes our flowers bloom. Love Is all there is.

Mother's mobility is more and more strained as time moves on. I see her abdomen expanding and becoming progressively harder. Her feet are swelling and she doesn't have the will to pump them anymore or get on the trampoline to move her lymph fluid. Increasing the dosage on the meds makes her sleep more. She dreams more lucidly all the time, waking from her trips to parallel life streams with clear memories of details, smells and tastes. she dreams a lot about food and often wonders where all the food is she prepared.

We still make it to County Park though. Last night while we were dosing in our chairs, Jean Hendrickson happened upon us and gave mother a warm greeting. Later as we were ready to leave Wendy and Barbara arrived to say hi. They had stopped by the house and finding us gone came straight to the park to look for us. I picked some berries which we shared and the whales performed their dance out on Haro Strait.

The day Gaby left Laura Oma and I went to lunch at Roche Harbor together. Alana came by and greeted Oma and after a few minutes returned with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. Yesterday Bobby came to visit and brought a wonderful fuchsia orchid for mother. Before that Rob and Leone brought a bag of plums form her tree. Even though mother is getting less tolerant of visitors the outpouring of love from all her friends continues.

I really do appreciate you making the time to provide some respite for me. It is important to maintain a balance and nurture my love of life.

Thomas:
Today we passed another milestone. But before I explain, let me give you all a little background. Since Gaby left I have been seeking some clarification and direction from mother as to her care. You see since I am the primary caregiver, it is I that is called upon to decide how much medication mother should receive from day to day. Not enough medication and she suffers and feels she can't catch her breath. Too much medication and she sleeps all the time and while blissful is not really present. While trying to walk the middle ground, mother's action have been sending mixed signals. She tells people that she will give treatments again as soon as she gets better, does her urine therapy to fight the cancer and eats her vitamins to stay healthy. At the same time she tells us that she wants to die primarily because she does not want to live like this anymore. Then she says she feels like she is ungrateful wanting to die when she has it so good, then she can't catch her breath and she is miserable again.

My conundrum was that without clear direction from her I could not get myself to write her death warrant by increasing the dosage of her meds so that she would always be comfortable. Once I do that, the choice is made, she is going home. I truly felt that this was a decision she should be making. So I more or less (and in a loving way) have been badgering her to come to grips with her situation and give me some clear marching orders. Thankfully we ran out of Alprazolam two days ago so she was only on vicodin. While this made breathing more difficult it did keep her head fairly clear and we could have some lucid discussions. Finally this morning just before we headed off to go see Dr. Mahoney she started to open up and told me that she really is not sure whether she should apply herself to getting better or accept that this is her time to go home.

Mother has been a healer for a good part of her life. Her focus has been to make people better. She has taught people about the power of the spoken word and that "your body hears every word you say". Now to accept that her time has come and to let the tumor do its thing is so counter intuitive, that even though she asked Jesus to take her home she expected it to happen while she was in perfect health. So I understood how it could be very difficult for her to make this kind of decision. Still I expected if from her. This morning when she admitted to not being able to make the decision we almost called off our appointment with Dr. Mahoney. What would we ask of her?

At the last moment I remembered that mother had been called for jury duty and we needed a letter from Susan to excuse her from that obligation. I also wanted to discuss getting a handicapped sticker so we could park closer to where mother wants and needs to go. While driving to Friday Harbor it occurred to me that it would be good to have this discussion with Dr. Mahoney and have Susan reflect on the choices facing us. Maybe she could have some input.

Well, as usual, Susan was a gem. First she listened to me and my concern about wanting mother to choose for herself. Then she turned her chair towards Oma and asked her how she felt and if she felt clear enough to make such a decision. When mother wasn't able to answer decisively Susan suggested that maybe we are just too far along to expect that kind of thinking from Oma. Maybe the cardiovascular disease and the spread of the cancer has already hampered her cognitive abilities enough so that the choice is beyond her present capacity. All this was of course in mother's presence.

Susan then went on to suggest that we should look to mother's steadfastness in the past, when her mind was still sharp, and take our cue from that. I know she has often talked about looking forward to her day of transition into another life. She has asked her spiritual guides, Jesus and St. Germain, to welcome her to the other side. She as asked us to wear white at her service after her cremation in celebration of her new beginnings. She has asked me to spread her ashes on Mount Shasta, a sacred place for her. Susan knows that mother was very clear about refusing chemo therapy, radiation and all other treatments when the cancer was first discovered. This last time at the hospital mother stated clearly to the doctor that she didn't want any further treatment and that she wanted to go and die at home.

So the decision was made. Based on this new perspective my role was clear. I must keep mother a comfortable as possible as she progresses through the transition. When we stated that, mother smiled and clearly re-enforced the decision by saying; "I would really like that". Later in the car, after we went to the courthouse to pick up the form for the disabled parking sticker and buying her a soft ice-cream that she requested, we had the conversation again. We reviewed our discussion in the doctors office. This time I put it on tape. Mother affirmed that we are now on the right road and that she is truly ready to die.

Her behavior from there on was like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. We went to the Thai restaurant for lunch and then spent fully 3 hours sitting outside behind Balindeba eating cake and drinking coffee. She watched the airplanes make their approaches to the airport, watched the sparrows scavenge the crumbs, and the seagulls soaring high overhead in the clear blue sky. She was smiling, asking questions and discussing politics. She felt comfortable being alone while I ran a couple of errands and seemed totally at peace. Later when we went to buy groceries she eagerly picked out her favourite items and only then said, "ok, I have what I want, now you can buy what's on your list".

At one point we even talked about how nice it would be to eventually set up her hospital bed on the deck so she can sleep outside during the day when she can't be mobile anymore. We talked about getting a wheelchair with balloon tires so we can navigate gravel roads and lawns. We talked about what a gift she could give to her friends to share with them her comfort in making the transition. I told her that even when she gets to the stage of not being able to walk I will use my strength as best I can to take her out and let the wind waft through her soul.

When we got home she wanted to sit on the sofa with her oxygen on as usual. I thought she would go to sleep and we agreed that this would be a good opportunity for me to take a little time and check on the boat. When I returned, she had turned her oxygen off, hung up the hose, changed her top and was munching on a slice of bread and some brie cheese. Its almost like she has been re-empowered.

So here we are. Mother is comfortable with this path and I am comfortable that I have exercised due diligence in determining the proper course of action. She is back on her full meds, at somewhat increased dosages to make her as comfortable as possible. If that means she will sleep more, that is all right with her. Now before I give her a quasha treatment she wants me to read this draft to her so that she can have her say and edit it as needed.

Stand by....

Its now an hour later. I have read the letter to mother and she has asked me to add her comments on the bottom that the letter expresses exactly what she feels and what she experienced today. I should send it as is. But before that it was time for her quasha treatment and she took new initiatives to tell me exactly what she wanted done. She told me how to apply the cream and then that she wanted some oil on the lung areas of her feet. Water, hair brush, cream, chime button by her bedside, sticky bear claw prints wiped off the doorknobs, night gown out of the dryer, a little tlc (mostly soap and water carefully dried off) applied to a rash she has developed in her groin and an extra bedtime dose of meds and she is tucked into bed. But not before the chime went off one more time to remind me to add the statement to the bottom of the e-mail that it tells it like she sees it.

As Dr. Mahoney explained, all of these things are part of her "comfort". Who are we to judge what it is that brings her comfort at this time. It may look to us like she is trying to heal herself but all she is lookng for is a certain comfort zone. That made sense to me and now I too feel a burden lifted. I can now manifest my love moment to moment and in so doing compound the love in my life each and every day. I can do this in the full knowledge that I am doing the right thing by my mother and that she is comfortable and appreciative of my service. Right now it feels like this transition is going to become a blessed experience of love after all.

Thomas:
After a very difficult day yesterday which we spent at home resting up from the adventures of the day before, today was another wonderful day for mother. When she awoke she decided that she wanted to go out for our lunch routine at the Thai restaurant. Caren and called during the morning and wanted to visit with Oma so we decided to meet at Belindeba for desert at 1:30. We chatted and philosophied for an hour and an half. Mother enjoyed herself thoroughly and welcomed the opportunity to inspire. the other day I asked her what was her most important accomplishment in this life and she told me: "That I touched People". We had that conversation while she was all bundled up in County Park on Monday.

We sure touched Caren and Gerard with our story and how mother views her departure from this life. We talked about the vivid dreams mother is having these days and how many people would think she is loosing her mind but how we recognize that she is making contact with her other life streams and feeling the comfort of knowing that death is not final but simply a transition of conciousness into another reality.

Today we confirmed that mother's wheelchair will be arriving on August 23rd. I also learned more about the dosage of her medication and found that the Alprazolam can have a cumulative effect that makes it counter productive. So we will try this new formula for a few days and see what happens. Mother does try to help with
the chores from time to time and I encourage her to do so. It helps her feel more alive. We have also decided that in addition to the quasha treatments I have been giving her we need to do more reflexology treatments. So we will try alternating days for each. It seems the reflexology helps to reduce the swelling in her feet and legs.

Christel, do you see the little elfs in the flower pot on our table? They are the ones you gave mother while we visited you in May. They are with us each and every day.


So after a wonderful day in town we still went to county park where we had our afternon nap in the shade of the old pine. Just before we both dozed off we shared again our gratitude. How blessed we are!

Gaby:
So when I arrived the other day, the first thing that I noticed was how very tired Tom was. Now he and his Love are having a few days of well deserved sailing.

He packed his wheelbarrow full of stuff and off he went.

Oma hurried to see him off.

When she talked to Juergen, she said: "Kannscht nit amal komme??" So Jürgen is coming tomorrow. I'm sure then she'll remember that he's her son and not her brother.

Thomas:
It has been a wonderful weekend. Gaby's gentle and loving care came to an end on Friday as she departed to return to the hustle and bustle of her world in California. Laura left that same afternoon to return to Sidney. Jürgen is still here of course and Birgit joined us over the weekend. I will let the pictures tell the tale of the goings on. I will write more later.

Well I have nothing new to report on the physical front. The medication works sometimes and sometimes not. I am trying to give her enough to keep her comfortable without constipating her too much. Its a continuous balancing act. There are struggles and sleepless nights interspersed by little fun moments like the little ritual that we have developed when I pull up her pants after she goes potty. I kneel in front of her and tell her to hold on to my head for balance. Then while I pull up her pants she in turn gives me a kiss on the forehead.

I do have some spiritual news though I want to share. A few days ago while cleaning up in mother's room, a picture of Joseph fell into my hands. When I showed it to mother her face lit up with joy and immediately she wanted to contact him. So, to Joseph's amazement they connected by telephone. They didn't talk much but after they hung up mother said she wanted to talk longer but was once again breathless and maybe we could call him again when she felt better.

So yesterday, taking the opportunity when the meds were working just so, I called Joseph back. After they had a good long talk mother gave the phone to me and Joseph explained why he was so amazed. It had happened to him twice before with friends that were preparing for their transition and now it was happening with Oma. A few days ago he started to have vivid even lucid dreams of being with Oma in another life stream. They were working together and talking with Jesus about transitioning and such. He said that this is how it went with his other two friends. As they got closer to the time of departure from this plane they would meet him on the other side more and more. Then once they were comfortable with the notion of alternate life streams where they were re-united with family and friends they would finally be prepared to let go.

This gave mother a much better understanding of the repeating, lucid dreams she has had recently where she finds herself caring for her baby, cooking and sharing wonderful moments with her mother. It has been a rich time of exploration and today again she had many questions and there was much discussion. She asked me to repeat over and over what Joseph said and wondered if others know about this process because it was only recently that she learned about the other life streams and how to visit them.

Tonight just before dinner she asked why its so hard to leave this body. She is so ready to let go. So I told her about what Tom taught me in Oregon and how we are hard-wired for survival. But I found myself putting it in terms that mother could understand and in so doing realized that I was sharing a profound truth. I told her that she needs to thank her body elemental for the wonderful job she has done over the years to heal her and rehabilitate her after life has knocked her to her knees. Then, after expressing her appreciation, it was time to let her body elemental go, to release her from her duties and set her free to re-join mother's life force in another place, another time. "I believe that" was mother's only response as she closed her eyes once more.

I know this is very personal. Maybe too personal for some of you. But it is mother's being to explore these things and to experience them in the spiritual. I am blessed to understand her paradigm and to share some of her perspectives. She is blessed that I take them seriously and don't call her crazy. She has thanked me for that many times.

Thomas:
Mother's wish to see her oldest son again was granted. Jürgen was able to spend almost two weeks with her here at the cottage. Oh how happy it made her!! She spoke of her joy at having him here constantly. Every moment she was awake and he was not in her company she asked where he was and what he was doing.

Thomas:
Sleep has been a little hard to get this weekend. Mother has been up every hour almost to use the bathroom and each time its a 15 minute undertaking to get her to the toilet and back. Depending on the state of the medication, sometimes a wheelchair was required to get around the house. Still despite all that this weekend was rich with love and laughter, filled with wonderful memories and experiences.

Laura and I sleep on the floor, at the foot of Oma's bed. So Laura was directly a part of the nightly rituals of caring for mother. We joked and laughed a lot and bathed in mothers wonderful sense of humor. At one point as we both were tucking her in yet one more time mother said to me, "make sure you take good care of my Laura".

Then at a later date she told me that she is so glad that Laura is in our lives, now she does not have to worry about me anymore. When it came time to bring Laura to the ferry on Sunday afternoon mother insisted on coming along. Once again we put her in her wheelchair and she was able to waive goodbye as Laura's ferry steamed out of the harbor.

Birgit and Phillip also had their special time with mother this weekend. Mother told them many times how grateful she was that they came. Birgit spent some time on Sunday Night doing decrees in mother's bedroom and mother was thrilled. In her words (with a big smile), "I thought Birgit had forgotten everything she learned at the summit!! But she hasn't!! She knows so many decrees!" Then when Birgit and Phillip got up real early because they had to leave at 6am on Monday morning to catch the ferry back to Seattle, mother seized the moment when we were all gathered together for a good bye. She said:"Phillip, do you know that in Birgit you have a very beautiful wife?" and then, "Birgit, do you know that Phillip is a very beautiful husband?" She wanted them both to know not only how special they are but that they truly are meant for each other.

Once everyone was gone we spent most of Monday catching up on sleep. In the afternoon the sun came out and we found ourselves sitting under the plum tree in our garden. Things are quieter now, so we have time to do the spiritual work, the meditations and prayers to prepare for the transition whenever it comes. It is such a precious time and Joseph has been a grand inspiration, helping me to connect with mother's I higher self, her AM presence, confirming that all is the way it was intended to be. The whole experience serves to re-enforce the knowing that has already been present. Mother's travels are frequent and vivid and last night I visited two separate worlds where I was with her.

Thomas:
We saw Dr. Mahoney today and received some clarification that I thought I would share with just the immediate family. You can pass it on if you like.

- The Vicodin is not cumulative and tends to flush out of the system in 4 to 6 hours.
- The Alprazolam is only marginally more residual.
- Neither drug either alone or in combination should cause mother's loss of motor skills
- It can be assumed that the loss of motor skills is attributable to the spreading of cancer cells to the brain.
- Mother is now about as mobile as she was right after she got out of the hospital after her head injury. We may be seeing a tumor on the brain now doing what the blood clot did then.
- Dosages can be increased and managed as needed.
- Bedside commode has been ordered and will be here next Wednesday
- The stool softener I started mother on is a good idea and can be used continuously in this case

The most striking event was when the discussion focused on dosages, I made the statement that I don't want to overdose and thereby cause the process to accelerate. Mother was quiet through most of the session other than to tell Susan she loves her very much as she always does. However when she heard me make this statement mother immediately piped up and said "That would not be bad, to hurry the process!!" In addition her biggest complaint now is that things are taking too long and I spend a lot of time explaining to her that there is a reason for the time it takes and that her spiritual path must demand it or she could have died last summer it the car accident.

Indeed I believe that all is as it should be. Mother is preparing herself for her transition. She is doing a lot of decrees and meditations. She has now had the opportunity to connect on an intimate level with all of her four children. So there is no reason to keep her alert if it causes her pain or anxiety. So far I have not used even the prescribed dosages to their maximum effect because I felt it important for her to be able to communicate with the family. This chapter has been written and now I will use whatever dose it takes to make her be and stay comfortable.

I also want to say one more thing about this time of care for mother. Lest anyone misunderstand. This is a most precious time for me. Since 1987, when I started helping her financially it has been my dream that by the time she gets to this stage I will be in a position to be there for her. Every time I delivered a computer to a senior's center in Cape Breton I made a vow to myself that mother would not ever be institutionalized. When I bought this house I took extra pleasure in the fact that it was "wheelchair ready", knowing that the time would come when that ramp and deck would be critical. I immigrated to the United States just to make this possible and the angels even moved my hearing ahead by two years so I could be here now. I have always felt that the passing of my mother would be my primary chance to participate in this most precious transition most intimately before my own time comes. This therefore truly is, in every respect a dream come true.

On a beam of light,
Thomas

footnote:
While composing this e-mail, even though she has a good deal of meds in her right now, mother called me up twice. First time she wanted to know what I was doing and when I told her she insisted that I print this out and have her read it before I send it. So I will. the second time she called me she insisted I give her the cane and help her up off the couch. She refused to tell me what she was up to and when I followed her lead it took us to the kitchen where she promptly took a mug out of the cupboard and peed in it (presumably because she was not prepared to walk all the way to the bathroom or maybe just to make a statement of independence because she knows that I personally don't condone such behaviour. Then she demanded a solid meal of bear claw (BC as we call it now) and camembert cheese. I am telling you this because I think it is important to note that even with a good dose of drugs she remains the stubborn independent person she has always been. This is still her show and she is performing it on her stage. :-)))

Approved by mother as is! :-))

Thomas:
Today was a good day. Mother's coughing subsided somewhat as her body settles back to dealing with the fluid buildup in her lungs as best it can. Late this afternoon she finally was able to generate enough wind to cough up a chunk of flem. Took only two days to accomplish this.

Today she wanted to sit out in the sun twice. Once in the morning and once in the afternoon. It was precious. the warm sun, the birds chirping the quietude, the fresh air. I picked a mum flower for her. As you can see it has purple tips on the white pedals, Just for Oma.

While we were outside Rob stopped by for a wonderful visit. He just returned from a trip to Mount Shasta. He was totally enchanted by the mountain. We spent a good deal of time sharing while Oma listened and dozed beside us.

This day was filled with love and light.

Thomas:
Happy fall equinox! Today is the first day of fall and what a glorious day it is here at our Shambala. I will try to complete this e-mail today but if its a day late please excuse me.

Last weekend was another wondrous time filled with love and light surrounding Oma/mother/Gretel. Birgit came with flowers from Seattle on Saturday and spent a day here to care for mother while I finished putting the roof on my workshop and sealing it up for the winter. Soon the rains will come and then it will rain for weeks on end. Birgit and mother had a grand time together, driving around the island, going to lunch in Friday Harbor and generally enjoying each other. Mother told me over and over what a "schaetzle" Birgit is.

Then on Sunday while mother and I went to town to pick Laura up at the ferry Birgit lovingly prepared a whole lot of food. Potato Salad, carrot salad and her specialty red beets!!! When we returned we had a grand feast on the deck! Shortly thereafter Birgit had an accordion student come and get her lesson before she caught the ferry back to the city at 5:30.

Monday found us staying close to home most of the day just enjoying the wonders of our shambala. Rob came over for lunch and we enjoyed the wonderful food Birgit prepared the day before again. He helped me with a window in my workshop and we had a nice chat before he left.

Then after a wonderful afternoon nap, we decided to go to county park to watch the sunset! And another grand display it was. Yesterday Laura too returned home and today we are settling back into our regular routine.

After the visiting nurse, Trish, was here last week we made some changes to our night-time routine and medications and were able to increase our sleep periods from a mere 45 minutes between pee breaks (which made for serious sleep deprivation on both our parts) to as much as 3 hours between trips to the bathroom. This was great as it allowed me to catch up on some sleep and feel much better and find more patience. Last night though we have reverted back to 1 1/2 hour increments and sleep is becoming more dear.

When mother lies back in her bed as I prepare her with creams and powders to keep her comfortable at night I am noticing more and more the large swelling in her abdomen. It protrudes beyond her layers of fat now and seems to be the size of a grapefruit. I expect that this is contributing to the pressures on her lungs and now her kidneys and other organs which is probably the reason she feels that she has to go to the bathroom all the time. The drugs make this pressure tolerable but there are only a few "sweet spots" during the day when she is lucid and clear and happy.

Much of the rest of the time is spent sleeping or trying to get comfortable. Since sleep is usually of short duration I don't find much time for chores, taking care of bills and paperwork and writing e-mails. But somehow I do manage to fit it all in. I certainly love doing it all and find myself grateful beyond measure that we are here together at home in this beautiful shambala at this time. Every once in a while I imagine what it would be like in a small air conditioned apartment in the city or a hospital ward and I just cringe. We are so blessed indeed.

Anyway chores are a calling...

Thomas:
Things have been going surprisingly well lately. With Trish's help we have discovered a medication regimen that has cleared mother's flem out of her lungs and has allowed us some normalcy in our sleeping pattern. The other night we actually slept for 6 hours straight! When we sleep through a night time dose of medication I find that we have to make it up during the day. In order to be comfortable mother needs a full six doses of both the pain and the anxiety meds each day. And I can now see a little slippage at the edge of these doses and am thinking that soon she will be on 7 doses.

Her abdomen continues to swell and has basically exceeded the circumference of her (rather large) remaining breast. I can see the hump when she lies on her back. More to the point when I washed and doctored up her yeast infection under her breast over the last couple of days I have noticed that there is a large and very hard lump just under the skin. I suspect it is only one of many that have sprung up. The yeast infections are of course exacerbated by her high blood sugar levels and it takes great care and diligence to stay ahead of them, but so far we have been quite successful. (That's what the extra towels are for that Gaby is sending)

Interestingly contrary to what was expected mother is sleeping with less and less pillows now. She is down to only one light one in bed and today slept quite comfortably on the couch with just a small pillow under her head. She is certainly getting tired of sitting. Her hips, which just barely kept enough cartilage alive through her exercise routines since the hip surgery, are now starting to hurt from all this sitting and inactivity. It will be interesting how long she keeps hanging on as her body deteriorates all around her.

Notwithstanding all that I still think we are doing wonderful. We could not have a more relaxing and joyful setting to act out this play or write this chapter. Not only is it very satisfying for mother to listen to her latest favorite CD of German (Opera?) songs sung by an incredible Tenor, over and over again while watching the birds and enjoying the constant parade of flowers around her, but I too am able to find balance by taking care of our home, doing my exercises jumping on the trampoline, baking apfelkuchen and puttering around doing chores. How much more rewarding it is to continue to make a real home for her and me while she prepares herself for her transition. I have flashes at times what all this would look like in her apartment in Glendale or in a convalescent home.

When I made some comment about keeping mother's motor skills going as long as possible today, Trish said that I am very well suited for this kind of work. She felt that I have special talents at understanding what is going on and encouraging the right behavior. That sort of comment might come as a surprise to some of you but really all I do is connect the dots. I need to understand what is going on and so I apply my inquiring mind to gather information, make sure it stands the test of reason, and then apply it to my world. It certainly is not a perfect process but over time it does bring great rewards, especially as I continue to look for and check my blind spots.

One example has been my discovery about love being a verb. That simple piece of knowledge has helped me so much in this assignment. As I put more and more love into each and every moment, no matter how demanding mother's requests or how repetitive her instructions, as long as I respond to each one of them with love and caring (here goes the bell again-her back needed scratching the meds make her itch a lot), joy and understanding, my days are filled with just that; love, caring, joy and understanding. Why I can not apply myself like this to the rest of humanity (or even the rest of my family) I do not know but for now this is my gift to and from mother.

This is a very special chapter in my life indeed. It is only one chapter and after it has been written I will re-focus my attention on my own life, living my values to the fullest, exploring the gifts and miracles of this world in solitude and in the presence of my Love whenever possible. But for now my attention is here and my gifts are here. I am doing what I know to be the right thing. I am doing it for me. I am earning my self respect. I am living this part of my life as I had it planned. In that context it is a very selfish act, I gain a lot. My character is strengthened and this strength will nourish me for the rest of my life. I am glad that you all take the time in your own way and to your own chosen extent to be part of this chapter in mother's life. It certainly is a blessing to have the periods of respite that your presence has afforded. Nevertheless this kind of experience can only be rich if a sustainable approach can be found and I think that recognizing Love as a verb has proven, for me at least, to be that sustainable approach.

Enough rambling. Maybe it helps you gain a little better understanding to read this. Maybe not.

Thomas:
"She has been dyeing for five years!", someone said of a friend of a friend. What's that all about? How can someone be dying for five years? Until recently I would not have been able to imagine how someone could be locked in the mode of dying for that long. How does that work? What goes on inside them? Is it not a waste to linger like that? If you need to go get on with it, if you want to stay, start living to whatever extent your illness or disability allows.

I have learned that dying is not that simple. It requires a total detachment from this world. This detachment can come at the end of a struggle with a terminal illness, during the last moments in frigid waters after a shipwreck, or on the side of Mount Everest in a blizzard when it becomes clear that help will not arrive before the cold of night overtakes you. Regardless of how swift or how drawn out the process dying is all about letting go of this life stream and all that occupies it.

Dying usually seems to commence when we have a feeling that our days are numbered. When a diagnosis or a careful assessment of the situation reveals that there is nothing more that can be done to sustain life. It is usually at that point that the processes of letting go begins. In a car crash the whole process can be completed in only seconds. With some people who have cancer it can take years. It also varies from person to person. There are countless stories of people in impossibly hopeless situations at sea fighting on and being rescued to live out their lives while others abandon hope much earlier and start the process of detachment almost immediately upon being struck by disaster.

Our surroundings and the influence of others can play a major role in this process. Often people struggle longer because some loved one(s) can not bear to see them go. There are many cases where a person on their death bed has held on until one last visit from an estranged son or daughter or a final fair well from a close friend. These are clear and obvious detachments. Most are much more subtle. The subtle detachments are often misunderstood as memory lapses or laziness. When in fact they are part of the process of letting go of our connection with this world.

Last night mother did not remember who Saci and Annette were and that she gave them lots of treatments. She has no interest in her books downstairs, or her many videos. The television and computer hold no draw for her and in general all sorts of things that occupied her attention in the past are fading into the background. Mother's world is shrinking. More and more the things that she holds on to are immediate. That is why consequentialism has all but disappeared from her life. Recognizing consequences of her actions is just another form of attachment. Attachment from the past to the future; what I did yesterday will have this effect on me tomorrow.

For those of us still very passionately alive it is hard to comprehend how such cherished activities can become so neglected. The effort that's required to continue to partake in them seems trite compared to the effort that it has taken in the past. We often can not understand why the person has lost all interest until we realize that some people start to die before they get the word from the doctor. For some people it goes on for years, this detachment, but it may be very selective. As long as we still hold on to control of even the simplest acts and events in our lives we are not ready to leave this earth. Death does not reach us until our detachment becomes complete. Some of us require of ourselves that we suffer a huge amount of pain and anguish before we are ready to take that step, some of us will let go sooner. In any case it is a very personal journey and each of us must travel that path on our own.

Birgit spent the whole day with us yesterday and brought her love to share with mother. They went to Roche for lunch and it gave me a wonderful opportunity to tighten up my workshop a little more and fix our mailbox. After good discussion and learning in the afternoon and a wonderful dinner we went with Birgit to the ferry to see her off. Mother was in pain but wanted to go nonetheless and insisted on driving with Birgit so they could spend a little more time together. She sat in her wheelchair and waved her little heart out as Birgit drove onto the ferry. It was a joy to witness the love between these two souls. Last night we had a good sleep. Moving up to seven doses of meds each day may be what is making the difference. Keeping the medication up also provides mother periods of confidence where she wants to be independent and attempts to walk on her own. Alas these periods seldom last more than an hour or so before she again realizes the seriousness of her condition.

Thomas:
The house felt the absence of Laura's love after we dropped her off at the ferry. A quick stop to Pelindeba's for coffee and cake made the transition more palatable. The farewell at the ferry was, as usual, a loving and joyfull affair. How grand it is that we miss each other so.

It is fall now so we need to bundle up a bit more and the trips to County Park are augmented by trips to Roche Harbor to listen to the bells. Lately its been the 6pm bells though. Wednesday night while sitting on a bench listening to the chimes, Helen stopped by to say hi. Helen is the director and producer of Stage Left, an acting group dedicated to making the arts available to everyone. They put on plays all year all over San Juan Island for free, (donations and sponsorships accepted of course) and were performing Oscar Wilde's "Its important to be Ernest".

Mother wanted to see it but since Laura was arriving the very next day we decided to wait until Wednesday night and take her with us. For Laura's arrival, mother had already decided to get dressed up and wore her favourite "dressy" outfit to town on Wednesday. Then she stayed dressed for the evening performance and she wasn't the only one. Even the little girl in the front row was proud of her special dress.

Mother was very "tapfer" as she sat through the whole performance. It was fabulous, Laura and I laughed a lot and mother laughed right along with us although the accent and speed of the dialogue made it hard for her to keep up and understand all that was going on.

It sure was a wonderful change of scene from the usual quiet contemplations that mother engages in while listening to the Tenor singing German Love songs.

Thursday we had a quiet day at home while Trish the visiting nurse came to visit in the afternoon. It has become a wonderful event, almost a social visit, while we talk about mother's progress, her medication, tumors, rashes and all the ways to make her more comfortable over tea and cookies. Somewhere in between the conversation Trish takes mother's vitals and pulls out her notebook to update her medical record. What a wonderfully civilized way of providing home care. We are so blessed indeed.

This morning, after another wonderful and restful night mother insisted on wearing her good outfit again to take Laura to the ferry. Only this time she asked me to fetch her wonderful, white wool coat as well. It was still in the drycleaner bag from last May. We were going to take it to Germany until we heard that the weather was too hot and then really missed it when it snowed in Salzburg.

We made it to the ferry in good time and had a couple of moments to sit and share our love before Laura was off to her world in Sidney once again. We are so fortunate that Laura and I have learned to understand the importance of keeping our complete independence while respecting and sharing each other's lives. It is what makes this experience possible and fills it with so much love and light. What a blessing it is.


On a beam of Light,
Oma, Laura and Thomas

Thomas:
We have had some magical days. The weather has been grand for the beginning of fall. Sunshine and warm afternoons. Our nights have been even better, more restful with longer periods of sleep. Our days have been filled with the joy of our garden. Mother sleeping outside while I putter around her on the house and in the dirt. She does not want to be left alone and is content as long as I am in easy reach.

The medication is working well right now and there are lots of good times and few moments of panic. Still if the meds are a little late it is clear that without them things would be much different. So we enjoy each day as it is. On its own merit. And try not to compare it to the others, for better or worse. We are grateful for the loving and sharing that has taken place.

Yesterday I dug up some cassette tapes that mother had stashed away. One was German Opera and mother knew and recited all the words of all the songs. The other was a tape that Will recorded for us over 10 years ago of a German radio program. I have always cherished it as the announcer recites a bit of poetry as he sets up each new piece. We enjoyed that over breakfast today.

Don't forget to Love each other
Thomas

Gaby:
I just put Oma to bed, so it will be a couple of minutes (literally) until she calls for me again.......

This is such a different world from home and I wish you could be here to see it and experience it. I always feel that I come away ...........

(I was wrong- it didn't take two minutes- only one...)

......richer for the experience.

When I arrived, Tom looked soooooooooo very tired! He is so thankful that we are able to have me come so he can get a little time off.
If you remember how Grandma was when we decided we could no longer care for her- Oma is worse and needs a LOT more care. There is ALWAYS something that needs to be done for her so it's not like you can get her comfortable and then you have time to rest...
(here we go again )

I just basically gave her a double dose of medicine (with Tom's approval) and it will still take her some time to settle down... Then about 1 or 2 AM she will be up again....

She loves to ring her bell to have her pillow adjusted (a million times), to ask if the windows are open because she can't breathe, to turn over, to sit up and endless other things. I watch Tom do all of these things for her without one sign of impatience or complaint. I marvel at that... And then when you WANT her to call you she forgets to ring the button. Earlier she thought she was alone and couldn't remember that I was here with her. Other times she wants to exert her independance and do things by herself even though she is so wobbely and really needs help standing upright and walking- so you don't handly dare leave her alone because you can't trust her to call you.... sound familiar???

If you hold back on the medication so she is steady on her feet (the more you give her the more unsteady she is) then she has periods of being very uncomfortable and can't breathe. Now you don't know for sure how soon you need to give her the meds but you try.... if you give her too much then she gets really unsteady and you can't move her much and it's hard to get her in and out of bed and to the potty or in the car.

So Tom and I talked about it today and decided to cut the bedposts by a few inches so the bed is lower so she can get in and out easier. Then he took the railing off the stairway and installed it next to her bed so she could hold on to that when she needs to change position in bed. We decided for that instead of the hospital bed because as narrow as her twin bed is, it is wider than a hospital bed and gives her more room to turn around. Next week Tom expects the delivery of a wheelchair. Now we have to figure out something to make it easier to get her in and out of the car. The car seats are upholstered, so she gets stuck on the fabric and can't slide. So see? Leather seats are good for something.....:-))) So we are thinking of buying one of these floor things that go under the chairs on top of carpet like we have in front of the computer. We think we will cut it down to the size of the seat and we'll put a pillow on it and then we can slide her on to the seat better.

She has a rash under her breast (soap and water and hairdryer to keep it dry and then Neosporin) and a yeast infection in her crotch...(more soap and water and hair dryer and yeast infection cream)...

She is so happy I'm here, but doesn't think I know how to do things much yet. Of course she forgets that I did it last time and she was just fine. By about the day before Tom comes back, she will doubt that he is able to take care of her. She's already told me twice today that she wants to/ is going to die...

So this is day one. Oh- we went to the marina for lunch, where she ordered her usual clam chowder (tell them it's for Oma and I don't vant many potatoes!!!) and french fries with lots of ketchup. She eats the french fries and takes the clam chowder home (did you get a lid for it???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Going potty is a huge to-do... trying to get both of us into one stall so I can take her pants down and back up and see that she wipes and hope that she isn't nasty to any of the other people who happen to be in there and in her way. She is greeted and recognised by staff from the resort- which of course makes her day until she forgets two seconds later.

Wow she's been quiet while I wrote all of this.....will have to check on her soon.....

Gaby:
Oma has, I think, taken a turn during the night. I'll probably be contacting Tom later- depending on how the day goes.

Nothing too serious yet, but the indications are that she may be getting pneumonia. Hopefully I'm exagerating. She was quite warm last night (not this morning) and began wheezing quite heavily. She tries to cough up the iritation but of course, she can't.

So if there is increased fluid or mass or infection then that isn't good. She could not make ot from the bedroom to the couch without stopping repeatedly to catch her breath.

So the reason I write this is, Juergen, you'll need to make a date perhaps sooner than later. Dutch is expecting your call but not at 7 AM which it is now...:-))) Dutch is concerned about the NWA strike that just happened and feels that the sooner he can lock in a date the better.

I'll keep you posted.

Good morning again,

The sun is up and another beautiful day.

I had given Oma her meds earlier and right now she is not wheezing but has a big smile on her face. She wants something "real' for breakfast. When I ask her she has no idea what that would be. I suggested sourkraut and mashed potatoes and she smiled. Then she said she didn't need any breakfast since she already ate in her dream.

I won't call Tom yet. Hopefully I gave you a false alarm....

stay tuned....

Thomas:
Much has happened since my last update. Gaby has come and spent almost two weeks with us, giving me a chance to be with My Love in Sidney, Laura has come over here for a couple of days, and mother has progressed with increased dosages of meds for comfort and the associated reduction in mobility. She has become way more dependant on her oxygen as her lung capacity continues to shrink but the good news is that she is sleeping much better at nigth with the oxygen on.

Much of our experience is now in the spiritual, emotional realm. The tasks of personal hygene, eating and sleeping have settled into a routine that varies only slightly from day to day. There are still trips to town and the acsociated visit to the Thai restaurant and Belindebas but we seldom go to County Park or roche Harbor as the weather has turned dark and the days have drawn short.

Still each day has a pearl somewhere hidden in these tasks where we connect, in love and in light, while sharing this adventure. Mother will give me a warm hug or thank me for giving her so much spiritual support as she returns, confused from her travels to the other side. She will smile warmly and talk at length of her gratitude for the time we have together in this wonderful shambala. She works through, mostly in silence, her comprehension of what is happening. Most of the time I am enriched by the experience and feel blessed by it, but sometimes I am also challenged. Yesterday was one of those times.

"I asked god to let me die many times now and he has not, so it must not be my time." These were the only words that mother spoke that in any way served to explain her behaviour today. And these came just as we were ready to go to bed. Earlier we were watching a video about the Christmas in Leavenworth. Like the naive fool that I am I thought it might be nice for her to reminisce about the time we found our way to this Shambala which she loves so much. All of a sudden she wanted to get up. She muttered something about not being able to sit around like an invalid all the time and insisted I help her walk to the kitchen to get a cup. I had an inkling as to what she was up to but followed her lead. She could hardly stand by the time we got to the cupboard and my biggest fear was that she would collapse on me for she is too heavy for me to lift. We might end up sleeping on the kitchen floor, I thought to myself.

When I reached the cup down to her (in case anyone is curious its the dark blue one with the chip out of the rim) she struggled to get her pants out of the way and squeeze it between her legs. She mostly missed her target but was able to get some in the cup. However by this time she was shaking and she started to realize that there was no way she could carry the cup back to the couch where she sat. The cup found a resting place on the corner of the counter with strict instructions that we pick it up on the way to bed. We made it back to the couch, but just barely when the phone rang and it was Laura, My Love, wanting to share her news of the afternoon.

It was while I gave her her foot treatment, when she told me that I haven't smiled at her all evening, that I realized what had happened to me. When mother had suddenly deviated from her path towards a peaceful transition to a stubborn and irrational determination to "get better" (while eating bearclaws and shunning any form of healthy choices) I found myself not nearly as accepting all of a sudden. I still flew by her wingtip but with clenched teeth and screaming protests in my head. It showed because the usual love that flowed from me was replaced by a scowl that was firmly planted on my face. Is my acceptance that conditional? Is my chase plane that lousy at maneuvering through the sudden turns and flips?

It is not mother's episode that has me pondering. She simply exercised the "hope" phase that Kuebler-Ross describes so well in her book "On Death and Dying" and all I have to do is respect mother and not challenge her as she works her way through it. Indeed it is my response, inside, that has me concerned. Am I learning unconditional love and acceptance in the process or am I simply spending my reserve of acceptance of irrational behaviour on this assignment? That is a fundamental question the answer to which will have profound implications on my personal well being and my ability to interact with my fellow humans.

Morning After Epilog

After I wrote the above, all it took was one look at Oma sitting on the side of her bed last night, in her ravaged body, no teeth, staring blankly into space, wondering what is happening to her, to straighten me out and re-ignite the compassion in my heart. Intelligent life is not identified by its anatomy but by its actions. There is plenty of evidence among the human species that we are not of equal intelligence. Like a bee nibbling on its wings or a bird plucking its own feathers, many of our species choose to destroy our brain, the key to our survival. Whether through smoking, alcohol, caffeine, diet, lifestyle or television, we practice irrational self mutilation all the time. A higher life form might look at us with sadness and pity but not, I think with impatience and anger. Therefore I must at all time remember this truth: Intelligent life is not identified by its anatomy but by its actions.

This morning after sleeping for four hours since her last medication, mother refused her next dose. I wonder where that will take us.

Curious... but still... On a beam of light...
Thomas

Birgit:
well I'm not sure i should share this but here it is.... Mother always says" wenn i geh heult Ihr dann? " jokingly after Onkel Werner's line ! well people ask how you are doing and want to know if you're ok etc... and today, i was going to go to work as usual,actually went to work. and around 11am a faucet got opened and i started to cry... and i cried and i couldn't stop crying .. for about 20 mins at my desk. luckily no one was around.. I had a wonderful weekend with children at a school and yesterday I was at a farmers market in ballard and played there, and made friends for the accordion, i figured i had to practice anyways.. I made about $ 25- in 2 hours;-) .. plus a potential solo gig for some singers sometime.. lt was where our belgian guy who gave us the gig this last summer at the dairy farm, had his cheese stand.. i also got mussel and clams from the clam guy or was it the mussel guy :-) juergen you'd be jealous.. anyways... i have good people at work and they say its ok, but ;-) anyways:-) so now I have done my crying for the day i saw a beautiful sunset and stayed home and caught up with some chores.. I also had a nice visit/talk with Gaby, hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to go back to work again.

Jürgen:

Mein liebes Muetterlein,

Over the last 63 years, you have given me so much it is difficult to remember it all. I thank you for it from the bottom of my heart.

Do you remember how you fought to bring me into this world? Do you remember holding me close when my body wanted to shut down? Do you remember when you protected me from the bombs? You gave me love.

Do you remember when you taught me to talk to the flowers? Do you remember when you taught me to sing to the sun? Do you remember when you told me that when I tell a lie, it leaves a black mark on your heart? Do you remember when you told me that you will always believe me first, even if the whole world says something else? You taught me love.

Do you remember all the years when you loved me unconditionally, no matter what I did. Of course, you did not always approve and sometimes you didn't understand, but you always made sure I knew that you love me. You showed me patience.

Do you remember the wonderful Sunday brunches we used to have in Ueberlingen? That was quality time at its best for our small family long before the concept of quality time came into fashion. You showed me the beauty of sharing.

Do you remember how hard you worked all your life, never gave up? There was always a fresh start, even if it meant doing something you've never done before. Throughout your life, you've never been afraid to learn something new. You taught me perseverance and courage.

Do you remember how you have always been there for your children first, everything you ever did was for us. You've always put our needs before your own. You gave us love.

Do you remember, Muetterlein, how you allowed me to do what I thought I needed to do? You never doubted me, you never held me back. You gave me strength.

Above all, mein liebes Muetterlein, by your example, you have given me the freedom to be the best I can be.

You gave your love so freely that, at times, I've taken it for granted. This is your love.

I cannot find the words to tell you how thankful I am for the privilege to have been allowed to travel in this world for so many years with you by my side.

Muetterlein, it is an honour to be your son. I love you.

Jürgen